


You Disappeared in Spring

by Anathema_Cat



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Smaug, Boys Kissing, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, POV First Person, Siblings Kissing, Spring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-30
Updated: 2015-04-30
Packaged: 2018-03-26 12:47:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3851506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anathema_Cat/pseuds/Anathema_Cat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Somebody said you disappeared in a crowd<br/>I didn't understand then<br/>I don't understand now..."</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Disappeared in Spring

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the Spring theme on [Durins everywhere!](http://in-the-love-of-durin.tumblr.com/post/117419408585/theme-17) and "Pink Rabbits" by The National.

Dwarven halls are loud, industrious, boisterous places. I'd grown up with the noise, it usually faded into the background. But sometimes it didn't. Since the night Fíli disappeared, every so often, the noise became overwhelming, interrupted my thoughts. 

This afternoon I couldn't find quiet in the mountain. The Water Festival, a spring celebration of life and new beginnings, started this evening. Dwarves were scurrying everywhere, yelling orders, following orders, arranging, rearranging, decorating, stocking. Excited dwarflings scurried underfoot, bringing both smiles and cries of dismay to adult lips.

A young girl, twin tails of red hair swinging as she ran, crashed into my leg with a whoosh of air. She looked up, and up, as I smiled down at her slightly grubby face and chubby cheeks. "Are you all right, sweetheart?" I asked her.

"I'm sorry, Kíli," she blurted, breathlessly. "Was trying to catch Feran, he took my ribbons, didn't see you."

"As long as you're fine, all is forgiven. Just be careful, yes?"

"All right, I will, bye." And she was off in a rush, every bit as careless as before. I grinned at the children's limitless energy and moved on.

I needed to get out. I liked to go outside sometimes, even before Fíli left. Most dwarves didn't get that. My brother did. Fíli had understood. 

I finally made it out of the gates, through visitors and delivery drivers, huddled under hooded cloaks in vain attempts to escape the April rain. Extra guards kept a watchful eye on everyone, but ignored me. They were all used to my excursions. 

Without hesitation I went out into the rain. The boundless sky was disguised by soft grey clouds, the rain a gentle patter on stones, dripping from newly budded branches. I took a familiar path away from the road, into woods. 

I headed to my favorite spot, a small clearing with a large boulder covered with the soft greys and greens of lichen. My feet trod quietly on the soft path, stirring up loamy smells of dirt and old leaves, the decay that fed rebirth. The trees bore tiny leaves of the palest green, contrasted by the deep green of the occasional evergreen. Ferns unfurled from the ground, fingers uncurling to reach for the bits of sun that would filter through the canopy. Baby birds squawked, hunger unaffected by the rain.

Spring used to ache, each opening flower a reminder that love for some can be as ephemeral as the red trillium that was already fading from the forest floor. Each budding tree was a reminder that Fíli left without saying goodbye.

Now spring was just bittersweet, back to being a beautiful time, a time for hope and renewal. I no longer look for Fíli each year at festival time as I did for several years after he left, disregarding our mother's reminders that he was too far away to visit. Now each year I find my rock and just think of Fíli, remember being here with Fíli. 

I tilted my head back and felt the cool rain wash over my face and hair, savoring the feel of the water dripping from my long hair onto my back. I breathed in the fresh spring air and laid back on the cold stone, closing my eyes.

 

The day before Fíli left was sunny with brilliant blue sky, cool breezes, and warm sun. I knew he was leaving that year, didn't know when, dreaded it. He was leaving to live with our cousin Dain, while Dain's son moved here. It was expected for heirs to thrones to make exchanges such as this, to expand their experiences. Fíli didn't appear upset by it, told me he had no choice so there was no sense to rail against it.

I railed against it. I yelled at our mother, at Fíli, at Uncle Thorin, and at anyone else who crossed my path, and my sparring was violent and sloppy. Fíli would just pull me aside, hold me close, stroke my hair, kiss my head and my tears until I calmed down. He was always calm. I think part of me resented him for that. 

How could he be so calm at the thought of being apart for years? I didn't understand then, but he is more practical than I. Part of me was calmed by it, which I'm sure was what he wanted, but a larger part of me wanted to punch him, make him show some pain.

That sunny day, I did punch him. We were lying back on the rock, watching the sunlight play through the trees, holding hands. Fíli said something about the beautiful day, and I responded with something idiotic about it not being as beautiful as him. He got serious and said I kept him on a pedestal, that I needed time away from him to become my own person, that I needed to learn he wasn't perfect.

Today in the rain I can grin at my anger on that day. Then, it overwhelmed me, I felt hot, my vision blurred. I yelled at him that he had no right to decide this for me and that if I was to be my own person I could think about him whatever I damned well pleased. I followed that with a string of nonsense, punctuated by curses. 

We stood up as I yelled. Of course, he stayed calm, fueling my frustration. So I punched him ... In his beautiful face, bloodied his lip. I smirked to see anger finally break through, felt an odd feeling of relief. Until he punched me back, and it hurt, of course, and then he slammed me to the ground. The breath escaped my body along with my anger. I just lay there trying to breathe, with Fíli leaning over me, pinning my arms. I nodded. He sat back, then stood up, reached out a hand to pull me up.

I tried wiping the blood from his lip, but he grabbed my hand, kissed the palm. I melted into him, and we just held on until the golden light faded to red and then purple.

_I have at least accepted that you're not perfect. If you were, you wouldn't have left the way you did._

He had told me he would leave one day without telling me, that it would be easiest for us that way. "It'll be painless. A needle in the dark, over before you know it happened."

It was nothing like that. 

Fíli disappeared the day after our fight, on the opening night of the Water Festival eight years ago. He vanished in the middle of the revelry, taking part of my heart with him. I'm sure I actually felt my heart break in half when I turned to say something to him and couldn't find him. He was always nearby, now he was gone.

"Fíli!" I yelled as loudly as I could, uselessly since I wouldn't be heard over the noise at any volume. Dwarves could see my panic, though. Some looked concerned and some moved away, while my friends attempted to comfort me. He really had left me behind without saying goodbye. I couldn't believe he'd done it.

_They said you just disappeared in the crowd, Fee._

I didn't understand then, and I still can't make sense of it. Fíli didn't blend in. He lit up a room when he walked in. His golden hair shone bright in any light, but especially the festival lights, his confident movement commanded attention, his very presence was magnetic. That's how I saw him anyway. He laughed the time I tried to explain it to him, then complimented my smile and eyes.

Clouds had rolled in at some point during that party. It was raining when I shook off my friends and fled the mountain. I wished to catch Fíli, knew it was hopeless, needed to get out anyway. I just stood in the rain, away from the gates, knowing Mama and Uncle Thorin wouldn't come out here to get me. Fíli would have, but then I wouldn't have been outside that night if he was there. 

 

Five years it took me to quit looking for him in spring.

The rain slowed, stopped, and I opened my eyes, sat up and stretched. Water dripped from trees, a small animal shuffled through leaves. I wanted to stay longer, but it was time to go back, dress for the celebration. 

The main event of the evening was in the great hall, the largest hall in the mountain, ceiling almost lost to view. The room was full of dwarves of all ages, men, women, and their families, and even a sprinkling of elves. Lanterns covered with delicate pastel glass twinkled spring colors throughout the hall, food and drink were plentiful, and the music was joyful.

I drank ale, I shared a dance with my mother, radiant in her finery, laughed at friends' jokes that I only partially heard, tried in vain to stop Thorin from glowering under his crown. My mother said he was happy on the inside but didn't know how to show it. I had to take her word for it. 

I grabbed another mug of ale, turned around, and there he was. 

Everybody else faded from my vision, even the noise retreated to the background. I didn't feel my drink slip from my hands, but I heard it smash on the ground. 

Fíli stood near the entrance, across the room. Even with his hair a mess, braids disheveled, beard untrimmed, traveling clothes dusty, he _glowed_. His eyes locked on me, and he dropped his bag and moved toward me like an arrow. I was frozen like a frightened deer, trapped by his stare, in shock.

As he approached I noticed he looked older and ... shorter? 

He stopped in front of me, never unlocking our eyes. He asked me to dance. 

"I." I swallowed a lump in my throat. "I just got used to living without you around."

"Please, dance with me, Kee," Fíli said again.

In a daze, I took his hand. He led me out to the edge of the dancers. "Fee," I said weakly, "You don't like dancing with me. You said I always try to lead."

He smiled, became even more handsome. "You lead."

So I led. I didn't know what else to do. I'm unsure our steps matched the song that was playing, but we must have had the same song in our heads. It was the smoothest dance I'd ever experienced.

Fíli pulled me toward the exit. I stopped him. I'd caught a glimpse of our mother and uncle, watching us. Thorin looked angry, Mama looked... Amused? "Fíli, Uncle Thorin."

"I'll talk to him later, I want to talk to you."

I followed him outside. I realized I'd still follow him anywhere.

 

Everybody was gone. No, we had left everyone. I couldn't hear or see anything but Fíli. He stood in front of me, moonlight gleaming off his hair, grasping my longer hands in his stronger ones, studied my face.

“You’re not supposed to be back for two years,” I finally said, nervously. I feared him leaving again.

“I couldn't be away from you anymore,” he said softly. “I couldn't take it.”

He looked down. A breeze cooled my burning cheeks, ruffled his hair. I looked down, too, at our hands joined in front of us. We complemented each other. He shouldn't have left me that way. I looked back up at his messy hair.

Fíli looked back up, face sad. Maybe he read my mind. “I was wrong to leave that way.”

“Yes.”

“It did hurt.”

“Hurt.” I rolled my eyes, shaking my head. “You didn't see me falling apart.”

“I did.”

“There’s no way you did, I would've known if you were around.”

“No, I mean I imagined it in my mind for years,” Fíli took a deep breath. “I was a coward, Kíli. I thought if I didn't see you, it wouldn't hurt as badly. I was wrong.”

I desperately wanted to pull him close, but I was still wary. “Are you going back?”

“It’s up to you,” he answered, watching me intently. “If you tell me to stay, I am staying. If you want me to leave, I will leave until my time is up.”

“But Thorin…”

“I will handle Thorin. This is up to you.”

I looked into the blue ocean of his eyes, leaned forward slightly. “I want you to stay with me, Fee.”

I could have sworn his knees buckled. He looked to the side, sighed. 

“Fíli?”

He turned back to me. “Mahal, I was so afraid you’d tell me to leave.” A long pause. “I was terrified the whole journey, like I was being tracked by predators.”

“I love you, Fíli. How could you doubt?”

Words tumbled out. Perhaps his tight hold on his emotions had relaxed a bit while he was away. “You were so angry. I left. It’s been years. Things could've changed…” He trailed off. His breathing was shallow, eyes uncertain.

I gently let go with one hand and brought it up to his face. I held my hand a breath away from his beloved skin for just a moment, feeling his heat. Then I rested it on his cheek, thumb along his jaw, index finger touching his ear. He closed his eyes, sighed peacefully, lips slightly parted. He took a deep breath, lifted his chin slightly and looked into my eyes.

“I would forgive you almost anything,” I said. “But don’t ever leave me without saying goodbye. Ever.”

He brought a hand up to my face, slid it behind my neck, pulled my head down toward his. A small part of my mind recognized how much taller than him I’d grown.

I broke away from his piercing eyes with difficulty to focus on his lips. My lips. My breathing sped up. Our lips were so close now, his eyes on mine.

“I will never leave you again,” Fíli whispered. I breathed his words in as I inhaled.

“Fee,” I whispered back, “that’s not what I said.”

“That’s what I mean,” he had moved just a bit closer. Our left hands were still entwined, sandwiched between our bodies. “Never again.”

“I love you,” he gasped as our lips met. Our lips parted slightly, his teeth nipped at my bottom lip, his tongue touched mine, tentative, flicker of my tongue against his. I tilted my head slightly, and the kiss deepened. His mouth still tasted sweet to me as I breathed in complement to him.

We broke apart slowly, released hands, and now I could pull him in, hold on. His arms and body enveloped me, a warm blanket in the cold night. I rested the side of my forehead on his broad shoulder, breathed in the scent of his hair, sweat, dust, and spring flowers. 

Fíli reappeared in spring, a celebration of life and new beginnings.


End file.
